Day 5

Total Weight Loss in 5 days: 4lbs

"ATOMIC FRIDAY!"

Unfortunately, “Atomic Friday” does NOT signify a platter of Hot Buffalo Wings and iced-cold refreshments waiting for us after the Conditioning Class, as I had truly and sincerely hoped for when I heard the term. I know what you’re thinking now: Total Let Down!

 This post is going to be a first for us: You (the reader) and Me (the writer), so just go with it! In order for you to completely understand what I am currently enduring today, as I write this post, I am going to involve a concept called: “Audience Participation."  Right now, Stand Up wherever you are while reading this post. Go ahead and do it. Just stand up.  (I’ll wait…)

Now that you are standing, I want you to FLEX your quadricep muscles (your thighs) as hard and as much as you can possibly muster. I mean it. I want you to stiffen those legs right up! Lock your knees in place. Make it so that you feel like your thighs could literally BURST right off of your bones. Ok ... HOLD THE FLEX! HOLD IT! HOLD IT! By now, your legs should start to shake or tremble a little. It’s a weird and uncomfortable feeling, I know.

WHILE STILL FLEXING YOUR THIGHS, I want to you try and take a few steps. That’s right! Without letting go of the flex, try walking around in a small circle. A bi-product of this little maneuver is that your butt will automatically, without your control or desire, tighten up and clinch up on its own! You look, and feel, like a complete DORK while doing this exercise, don’t you? Totally. I know this because … WELCOME TO MY WORLD, this morning! Except that, for me anyway, the extreme tightness is completely involuntary and out of my control. That’s right. I have no control whatsoever of my thighs this morning, and they are burning! My legs are so sore and trembly.

And here’s the worst (best) part:  I am stuck on the couch. No, really. It all started when I went to get out of bed this morning. My mind said “yes”, but my thighs said “You’re kidding, right?” And thus began the most painful, goofy-looking, combination walk-shuffle sort of contrite movement that lasted entirely too long; took WAY too much energy and concentration; and has lasted even through this morning’s workout. Finally, I am back home and sitting on my couch where I have given up completely and collapsed – with beads of sweat on my forehead. Not pretty. Any sort of leg movement whatsoever brings obnoxious pain and the beginnings of a leg cramp. I’ll be ok, in case you suddenly got worried. I have my laptop here, obviously, and I have the TV remote sitting next to me so I will be able to watch the great football games this weekend from this position right here. On the couch. I’ll be fine. Besides, not only does Pizza Hut deliver (SALAD, in case Nick Kapande is reading this), but you can order online (SALAD. Again, just in case Nick sees this) and you can pay online. Right from the comfort of your couch and laptop. Bonus!

My next concern and steadily growing dilemma: the bathroom is WAAAAAAYYYYY far away. In another room. And there are no Assist Handles to help me get up in my bathroom. Just smooth, plastered walls. CURSE YOU SMOOTH PLASTERED WALLS!!

Thank you for reading.
Jeffrey Bowers
Director of Sales
Denver Life Magazine